marching on

to say that things have been hard lately would be an understatement. on the 19th, i experienced what i guess could be called a sexual assault. fortunately, it wasn't of a "serious" nature, but it was enough to send me on a tailspin, to the point where i had to struggle to stay out of the hospital. while i have been learning new distress tolerance skills in dbt, they only work up to a certain point of distress, for me and for now anyway. and so i reverted back to self-harming and added drinking to my sorry list of "coping mechanisms". not long after that, thoughts of wanting to just give it all up surfaced. i was tired. i still am. i tried to think of reasons to live, but i couldn't come up with any. my HCPs grew concerned and asked if i need to be kept safe. i refused and plainly stated that i didn't have a "plan", so even if they sent me there, i'd simply be let out. while i was telling the truth, i was also scared inside, because i really didn't know if i could make it through another one of these. but slowly, i'm climbing up from the rock bottom. i can't say i feel the least bit hopeful, but at least it's not utter hopelessness, and that's good enough for now.