lethal beauty

"A body floats because decay causes gases to form within its cavity. If that cavity is breached for any reason, the gas escapes and the body sinks.

And no one will ever know what happened."

marching on

to say that things have been hard lately would be an understatement. on the 19th, i experienced what i guess could be called a sexual assault. fortunately, it wasn't of a "serious" nature, but it was enough to send me on a tailspin, to the point where i had to struggle to stay out of the hospital. while i have been learning new distress tolerance skills in dbt, they only work up to a certain point of distress, for me and for now anyway. and so i reverted back to self-harming and added drinking to my sorry list of "coping mechanisms". not long after that, thoughts of wanting to just give it all up surfaced. i was tired. i still am. i tried to think of reasons to live, but i couldn't come up with any. my HCPs grew concerned and asked if i need to be kept safe. i refused and plainly stated that i didn't have a "plan", so even if they sent me there, i'd simply be let out. while i was telling the truth, i was also scared inside, because i really didn't know if i could make it through another one of these. but slowly, i'm climbing up from the rock bottom. i can't say i feel the least bit hopeful, but at least it's not utter hopelessness, and that's good enough for now.

more neuro(sis)

saw the neurologist today at diamond centre, a big, scary medical building near vgh. the carpet on the 8th floor had such a busy design that i thought it was gonna eat me alive. i ended up hiding my head and closing my eyes to avoid looking at the psychedelic backdrop. it turns out there is no single explanation about the numerous flashes of white light i saw 4, 5 times a day and the clicking noise that i kept hearing from inside my head back in may/june. so he ordered a CT scan and a 2nd EEG, and i'm due back to see him in 3 months. he said he's not gonna start me on any anticonvulsants unless he's sure there's seizure activity in my brain, since i experienced significant myelosuppression with carbamazepine and dilantin. and he confirmed that i shouldn't drive, swim, or have baths til early/mid-october. that's fine with me, really. i quite like taking the skytrain and being able to space out without offending anybody or feeling guilty.

the neuropsyc. testing begins tomorrow, and i'm dead nervous about the results coming out perfectly normal. but my vocational rehab therapist reassured me today that even if it doesn't show on pen and paper, it doesn't mean what i'm experiencing isn't real.