discharge follow-up

went back to gfs rehab centre for follow-up today and scored 30/30 on the MoCA. great. yeah. if you can't tell already, i'm not exactly thrilled, because i have been struggling with memory problems. i told the resident that's my main concern right now, and when she asked me for examples, i couldn't come up with any. my mind went blank. HAHAHA. f***. she also did quite a thorough mental status exam, surprisingly. i probably told her more than i should've, and now the news is gonna travel back to dr. wobbit via snail mail. i suspect that he already knows, more or less, from my last visit although i didn't tell him straight up what i've been doing to cope, but i digress. i wonder if i'm gonna get 101% on the neuropsyc. assessment (that's yet to be scheduled) too, cuz that would just be fan-f***ing-tastic. anyway, both dr. wobbit and dr. d told me to start taking trazodone again because i'm having trouble sleeping through the night and staying awake during the day. i really don't want to though. i think i'll try just one more night without first.

on a general note, i feel like i got sucked into a wormhole and am experiencing some sort of a mental time lapse, which at the same time, i'm also trying very hard to block out.

moving forward

dr. wobbit's right. by being scared, i'm only taking part in "the game", which is the last thing i wanna do.

i'm really lucky to have such a good support system right now, since after my TBI. before i only had my gp, dr. wobbit, who i wouldn't trade for the world. but now i also have D, my dbt therapist; dr. squinty, my psychiatrist; and S, my old PT who i still run into every time i go for my outpatient physio. at first, even i wondered if it'd be too much to have all these appointments with such numerous HCPs. but this week they each helped me with a different problem, which lifted a whole ton of weight off my shoulders. of course i don't have the same level of connection with each and every one of them, but for now i'm just glad they're there as my safety net.

panic room

oh god. i feel so nervous/anxious right now. i don't even know why. please don't let this be the precursor to a panic attack. i haven't had one in years. my body is refusing to cooperate. what's going on? can i just dig a hole in the ground and either a) curl up and sleep, or b) shrivel up and die? i can't deal with this anymore. time is passing by too quickly, and i'm losing track of bits and pieces all over the place. it's confusing to say the least. and the constant oscillation between hope and despair doesn't help. it really doesn't. i'm running out of air.

yet another paradox

what're your goals, D asks.
i have no idea, i say, looking away.

perhaps i didn't know at that precise moment, but i had a vague idea.
i want to destroy myself in order to live so that i can help other people.
does that even make sense?