psychosis?

my thoughts are tangential and in clumps at the same time. i can hardly focus. D says i have delusional/paranoid thinking. dr. squinty agrees and wants to increase my antipsychotic medication. i don't know who or what to believe. all i know is there's a lot of uncertainty right now.

post hospitalization

admitted: 08/31/10
discharged: 11/16/10
final diagnosis: schizoaffective disorder

after 2.5 months inpatient stay, i finally get a taste of freedom again. so why do i feel so empty still? and useless? where is the cure? i want a mechanic to come along and say, "aha! i know just how to fix you." maybe i can hallucinate one out. the real world is large, and i'm lost. at least in the cage i knew what or what not to expect, even if it's nothing because nothing never disappoints. i got an incoherent someone to love who'd love me back. so what if it's inappropriate? it makes complete sense to me. a false relationship on false premises; a haven nonetheless.

lethal beauty

"A body floats because decay causes gases to form within its cavity. If that cavity is breached for any reason, the gas escapes and the body sinks.

And no one will ever know what happened."

marching on

to say that things have been hard lately would be an understatement. on the 19th, i experienced what i guess could be called a sexual assault. fortunately, it wasn't of a "serious" nature, but it was enough to send me on a tailspin, to the point where i had to struggle to stay out of the hospital. while i have been learning new distress tolerance skills in dbt, they only work up to a certain point of distress, for me and for now anyway. and so i reverted back to self-harming and added drinking to my sorry list of "coping mechanisms". not long after that, thoughts of wanting to just give it all up surfaced. i was tired. i still am. i tried to think of reasons to live, but i couldn't come up with any. my HCPs grew concerned and asked if i need to be kept safe. i refused and plainly stated that i didn't have a "plan", so even if they sent me there, i'd simply be let out. while i was telling the truth, i was also scared inside, because i really didn't know if i could make it through another one of these. but slowly, i'm climbing up from the rock bottom. i can't say i feel the least bit hopeful, but at least it's not utter hopelessness, and that's good enough for now.

more neuro(sis)

saw the neurologist today at diamond centre, a big, scary medical building near vgh. the carpet on the 8th floor had such a busy design that i thought it was gonna eat me alive. i ended up hiding my head and closing my eyes to avoid looking at the psychedelic backdrop. it turns out there is no single explanation about the numerous flashes of white light i saw 4, 5 times a day and the clicking noise that i kept hearing from inside my head back in may/june. so he ordered a CT scan and a 2nd EEG, and i'm due back to see him in 3 months. he said he's not gonna start me on any anticonvulsants unless he's sure there's seizure activity in my brain, since i experienced significant myelosuppression with carbamazepine and dilantin. and he confirmed that i shouldn't drive, swim, or have baths til early/mid-october. that's fine with me, really. i quite like taking the skytrain and being able to space out without offending anybody or feeling guilty.

the neuropsyc. testing begins tomorrow, and i'm dead nervous about the results coming out perfectly normal. but my vocational rehab therapist reassured me today that even if it doesn't show on pen and paper, it doesn't mean what i'm experiencing isn't real.

discharge follow-up

went back to gfs rehab centre for follow-up today and scored 30/30 on the MoCA. great. yeah. if you can't tell already, i'm not exactly thrilled, because i have been struggling with memory problems. i told the resident that's my main concern right now, and when she asked me for examples, i couldn't come up with any. my mind went blank. HAHAHA. f***. she also did quite a thorough mental status exam, surprisingly. i probably told her more than i should've, and now the news is gonna travel back to dr. wobbit via snail mail. i suspect that he already knows, more or less, from my last visit although i didn't tell him straight up what i've been doing to cope, but i digress. i wonder if i'm gonna get 101% on the neuropsyc. assessment (that's yet to be scheduled) too, cuz that would just be fan-f***ing-tastic. anyway, both dr. wobbit and dr. d told me to start taking trazodone again because i'm having trouble sleeping through the night and staying awake during the day. i really don't want to though. i think i'll try just one more night without first.

on a general note, i feel like i got sucked into a wormhole and am experiencing some sort of a mental time lapse, which at the same time, i'm also trying very hard to block out.

moving forward

dr. wobbit's right. by being scared, i'm only taking part in "the game", which is the last thing i wanna do.

i'm really lucky to have such a good support system right now, since after my TBI. before i only had my gp, dr. wobbit, who i wouldn't trade for the world. but now i also have D, my dbt therapist; dr. squinty, my psychiatrist; and S, my old PT who i still run into every time i go for my outpatient physio. at first, even i wondered if it'd be too much to have all these appointments with such numerous HCPs. but this week they each helped me with a different problem, which lifted a whole ton of weight off my shoulders. of course i don't have the same level of connection with each and every one of them, but for now i'm just glad they're there as my safety net.